How Im Feeling This Day

You know life is strange. In a few days, if the Lord says the same I will walk across the stage at Toyota Center a college graduate. Today, at church they made the announcement and asked that all who could attend to please do so. It felt good but I must confess its bitter sweet. I started school married and only by the nudging of my then wife. I put in the time and work for my family and yet, now I will do it alone. I explained to my ex-wife that I am happy but really more happy for my mother and father who should have seen this day at least fifteen years ago. I miss her. We are friends but thats no consolation to my heart. I also told her that if she was going to the graduation that she would have to make her way there because I was going to be with my family and the few friends if any that would show. She didn't really understand and I guess she thought about it. How would it look for me to drive my ex-wife to my graduation when she wanted the divorce. It would be uncomfortable for her. So much has happened to me since meeting my wife over seven years ago. Its hard being single. I sometimes feel so alone and it hurts through and through. I wish I could go back to the day I left and not did so. It was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. Yes, I was angry that my wife neglected me. Yes, I was upset that she did not care for me like she should have. I had some "valid" reasons I thought. Yet, now with the pressure of being a good person and trying to please everyone. My mother, my father, my pastor, my church, my school work, my job. Now I am alone in it all. My mom thinks I should celebrate and that I should be happy. Yet, she doesnt know how I feel. I am sad. Happy to graduate and even see another birthday but I am kind of sad. Its going to be a crazy mix of feelings come that day. In all I thank God for allowing me to see this day. Lord comfort and help my heart because its broken in loneliness. Tommorow I meet with my pastor. He wants to talk. I dont know about it. I just know Im emotionally spent in all im going through. I hope its good meeting.